A Complete Waste Of Paper
(AKA an "interview" with Paul Pfeiffer of Wadge)
1. Why are you so slow?
Life in the fast lane got the better of me. The women, amputees, booze and PCP finally took their toll. Now my only vice is Alf. I could watch that sumbitch all day long (and have and do).
2. Do you hate me?
What's not to hate? Alright Mr., what do you think you're doing? You call this a room? This is a pig sty! I want you to straighten up this area now! You are a disgusting slob. Stand up straight, tuck in that shirt, adjust that belt buckle, ties those shoes. Twisted Sister? What is that? Wipe that smile off your face. Do you understand? What is that? A Twisted Sister pin on your uniform? What kind of a man are you? You're worthless and weak. You do nothing, you are nothing, you sit in here all day and play that sick, repulsive, electric twanger. I carried an M16 and you, you carry that, that, that, guitar! Who are you? Where do you come from? Are you listening to me? What do you wanna do with your life?!
3. What about Petey Richards of Discordia? Are the rumors true that he's your and Zsa Zsa Gabor's love child?
This is absolutely, completely and totally false! Where do these rumors come from? Pete Richards is my son, yes, but his biological mother is actually a transsexual waitress from Utah named Wanda Whompers. Let's just say that he had ample breasts from which to feed.
4. When you were born, why didn't the doctors just save the world a lot of suffering and smother you with a pork rind?
They tried, but I proved myself much too challenging an opponent and did not succumb to their feeble attempts at infanticide. My soul is strong and I persist on this earth to make your life a misery, Jim A. When I wake each morning, I spit into the air and pretend it has found your eye. When I piss, it's your reflection I see in the porcelain. When I stub my toe, I curse your name. The A. in your name must stand for A-hole.
5. I hear that you're quite lovely. Is this true?
II'm quite lovely, yes.
6. Why are you so fascinated by me? Is it my beautiful brown eyes?
I have always been fascinated by that which has revolted me.
7. How the heck is Kevin Arnold doing these days?
Not good. Not good at all. After Winnie moved away, things went straight to hell for old Kevin. He began to dabble in mind altering substances to numb the pain and then joined a group called "Friends of the Wet Ass." Their message and platform was pro-anal leakage and he took everything they said to heart. Poor bugger walked around all day with an oozing backside thinking it was going to make his life better and fill the void she left. "Liberation through bungal the seep" he'd always say. They taught him that, those bastards. I guess he was at such a low point in his life that he was willing to believe anything. I haven't seen him around town in about a year, but whenever I hop on a bus and see a puddle of human waste on a seat, I know he's been there. I always make sure to sit in it because it helps me to remember the good times we had. Also, his brother Wayne molested me.